sad, sad, sad

Well Bunny, my beautiful dog, has gone. The tumour in her brain was aggressive and she deteriorated quickly. I had to make the hard decision to have her euthanased. How do you say goodbye to someone who was committed to you 24/7, who captured your heart (when you're not really a dog person), who loved you unconditionally and brought joy back into your life? How? Well you can't really. Holly and I were holding Bunny and stroking her as she passed away. It was so quick and peaceful. It is extremely hard to believe she has gone. The house is so empty without her. I haven't just lost a pet but a really lovely companion and friend.  I posted about Bunny last year. You can read about the impact she had on my life here

Love you Bunny girl. Miss you so much xx

This week has been a hugely tragic time for New Zealanders. Christchurch was rocked by an earthquake round lunchtime on Tuesday. It was a 6.3 magnitude quake. Not as high as the 7.1 magnitude quake on September 4 but much stronger as it was shallow and closer to the city. The devastation and loss of life are huge. I just cry every time I see news coverage, photos and hear the stories of survival and great loss. It's hard to believe that this is happening in our beautiful country. Christchurch, the garden city, looks like a war zone....

....and with New Zealand being the small country that it is, we all know people and have family, friends and colleagues who are a part of this tragedy. It's such an overwhelming thought. We are all affected. What can we do? As I watch from the safety of my living room I feel helpless but I'm praying. Praying for the people..... for their loss, their grief, their fear, for their recovery - mentally, emotionally, physically. I'm praying for help for them, for love and support - physical and financial, for the ability to rebuild broken hearts, minds, spirits, lives, homes, businesses..... If you are the praying type, join with me. You can also practically help Christchurch in it's hour of need by making a donation to the
Red Cross

And as so many people are saying Kia Kaha Christchurch. Even though you are so badly shaken, stand strong. We stand with you xxxxx

Photo credits:
Christchurch Cathedral  - wirefresh.com
Pine Gould Corporation building - Mark Mitchell
Devastation - kiwi247.com
CTV building - stuff.co.nz

seasons

I've been reflecting on the idea of my life having seasons. You know that clear cut transition from autumn to winter, winter to spring, spring to summer, summer to autumn...... cyclical, rhythmic, following familiar patterns. I've had the expectation that since I've been through the long dark winter of my husband John's diagnosis and death from melanoma cancer, at some stage I should be moving into spring and summer. I've had glimpses of it and have definitely felt optimistic about what the future holds for me.... but there always seems to be the chill of autumn and winter around. Last year it was really hard to walk alongside my sister Karen as she dealt with her diagnosis and treatment for breast cancer. It was definitely a cold, dark, chilling winter experience.

Then I had the most amazing trip to New York and Pennsylvania over December and January. It was a wonderful, exciting, restorative holiday that fed my body, mind, spirit and heart. It was so special!! Definitely that lovely, relaxed, summery holiday feeling season (even though it was winter!!).

When I got home I found myself once again, looking out at the new year with optimism and hope.... thinking this is my year for winter to truly be gone and for me to move fully into spring and summer. But once again life's circumstances seem to be conspiring against me. I am currently waiting on the results of some tests that I have had done on my beautiful dog Bunny. They will confirm whether or not she has an inoperable brain tumour. She is physically deteriorating at quite a rapid rate so the confirmation of cancer is looking more certain. It's so hard to look at her and know that I am going to have to make a hard call for her very soon.

Yet in the midst of the sadness and concern that I feel for her, I have lots of things that are good and worth celebrating. Yesterday my family plotted and conspired together to make Valentines Day a very special day for me. In the morning Holly's hand appeared through my door and stuck a post-it on my mirror, then it came back and put two presents on my dressing table. She wished me a very happy Valentines Day as she rushed off to work. So exciting..... then I unwrapped the gifts from Holly, Beth & Mike!

So gorgeous, thoughtful and meaningful!

Later in the day I came back from a delicious lunch with the team of girls that I work with, to find gerberas with a vintage card (also from Holly, Beth & Mike!!) on my desk - delivered by my other daughter Beth.

That evening Holly took me out for dinner only to "accidentally" bump into Beth and Mike at a lovely restaurant in Ponsonby. It was a perfect day and a perfect evening that made me feel very loved, special and incredibly grateful for my beautiful family. So winter and summer in one day. Joy and sadness, hand in hand. Maybe it is unrealistic to expect a perfectly sunny summer without a cloud on the horizon. In reality that's not our experience of summer in Auckland, especially this year. We've been flooded twice with torrential rain and are currently sweating it out in sauna-like conditions. And maybe it's time to expect that a winter might just have the odd sunny, even warmish kind of day. So I'm revising my expectations. I'm going to enjoy the warmth and beauty of my summer experiences even if they come in the midst of the cold, wintry dark. 

And anyway I really enjoyed the cold, snowy winter that I experienced in the States. I was prepared for the weather. I dressed up warmly so I could enjoy being out in the snow. I was prepared!! I'm not saying that from now on I'm going to enjoy all the winter experiences of my life but that if I prepare my heart and spirit for them, maybe I can keep weathering them without being overwhelmed.... and with that I'm also going to try to cultivate the expectation that there is still the opportunity for the loveliness and surprise of a spring flower pushing through the cold earth or the feeling of a little summer warmth on my face in the midst of a winter season.

So that's how life is for me at the moment - a mixture of seasons, feelings, emotions and circumstances that aren't orderly, rhythmic or cyclical and at times don't make a lot of sense. I'm beginning to suspect that this is probably the norm for a lot of other people too. And throughout all of this, I'll try to keep you updated on what's turning out to be the very messy, mixed bag of experiences called my life!!

bunny

This weekend I will have owned Bunny, my dog, for exactly a year. She was a totally spontaneous purchase, made on the spur of the moment. Over the last few years I've dealt with some really difficult circumstances and life has often felt really sad. So one day I decided that I needed to do something to bring joy back into my life and made a completely unplanned trip to the SPCA to look at dogs!

I've never really been a dog person so once I got there I felt a little scared walking round the dog enclosure. I wanted a small dog and felt that with my lack of dog experience, I needed an older, more settled dog. Well, there weren't many dogs that fit those criteria. I quite liked a corgi but it HATED cats. I knew a dog was going to be a shock for our elderly cat - Tinsel, so I passed on that one. That left Bunny, a medium sized staffy/terrier cross. She was ten years old and had been given to the SPCA because her elderly owner had gone into a rest home. I felt so sad for her.... one constant companion for ten years then suddenly they're gone. She looked elderly herself and was quite overweight. But she LOVED cats so that was promising.

Pretty Bunny. Look at those eyelashes!

I decided to have a closer look at her. They brought her out and I fell in love with her! Just like that! She was so friendly and seemed to like me. I took her for a little walk and I was sold. I just needed to bring Holly in the next day to see if they got along. Oh my gosh.... I was getting a dog! I texted Holly and Beth "I'm getting a dog!" They were both "What?" I'd had lunch with Beth the day before and I hadn't been getting a dog then.... I'd seen Holly in the morning and I hadn't been getting a dog then.... my reason - I fell in love! We picked up Bunny, the next day, on Holly's birthday. More a present for me!

Christmas Bunny

Her name has caused a few funny moments....
In the SPCA shop while buying a mountain of dog paraphernalia I called Bunny over to me.
A boy said "That's a dog not a bunny"
"I know she's a dog. Her name is Bunny."
"But she's not a bunny, she's a dog!"
"I know."
I carry on shopping. He turns to his brother and says in a disgusted voice, "Ooooh! I told her, that's a dog not a bunny."

or in general conversation....
"Bunny? You have a bunny?"
"No, not a bunny, a dog called Bunny!"
"Why?"
"I got her from the SPCA already named."
"Ooooh!"

Or at the vets.... 
The vet comes in, looks at the computer, looks at Bunny, looks back at the computer, looks back at the dog, scrolls down on the computer, finally looks at me and says, "So how is Alfred today?"
"Alfred, noooo. My dog is called Bunny"
"Ooooh!"

Beach Bunny

Bunny is delightful and very lovable. She's full of fun and is very affectionate. Her brindle appearance can be deceiving, making her look tougher than she really is. She's really a bit of a softie and is a sucker for anyone who will scratch her tummy! She has a sweet nature. She LOVES babies and children and is very gentle with them.

And a year on this is pretty much how she spends most of her days.... chilling out in her favourite chair. She does love Tinsel. Tinsel however is not so fond of her and it's taken almost the whole year for her to sit in the lounge with her. Bunny loves going for walks with me and is now trim and not overweight at all! I love coming home to her. She is always so happy to see me, greeting me with squeaks, barks and an out of control tail. She is great company, loves me unconditionally and is one of the best things that has ever happened to me!

Love you Bunny! xx

Support the SPCA Cupcake Day on Monday 30 August