sometimes birthdays aren't easy

Yesterday was my birthday and I have to admit that it took a lot to find the heart and energy to celebrate it. I recently spent ten days in hospital dealing with serious side effects from Round 3 of chemotherapy. My white blood cell count fell really low and I developed a condition called neutropenia. Due to this low blood cell count the chicken pox virus I had as a child was also reactivated. Without white blood cells to fight it, it returned with a vengeance. Apparently this is a rare complication so it made me very ill, with rolling fevers of up to 39.9 degrees. I was in and out of consciousness continually, with mild hallucinations. Apparently I told Mere I didn't like the landscape of Rangitoto in my room because it had goblins in it. When I woke up, she said she couldn't see them. I looked really hard and couldn't see them either! My family are now regaling me with all the funny, bizarre conversations I had with them.

At one point, when they finally worked out what the spots were, I was woken up by four oncologists in full masks, gowns and gloves peering at me over the bed. I had lost all sense of reality and thought I was in a scene from the movie Contagion. It turns out I was highly contagious so they wanted to move me out of the Oncology ward as soon as possible. I was a risk to all the other patients there with low blood cell counts. So they whisked me up to a pressurised room in the Infectious Diseases ward. Everyone who treated me from then on were fully masked, gowned and gloved.

It wasn't this bad but I was hazy with sleep and fevers.

I was actually taken to the Infectious Diseases ward on a bed!

I had severe nausea and headaches and to be honest, it felt like one endless nightmare. My family took turns sitting with me during the day, which helped to separate the days from the nights. I saw at least twelve Oncologists, checking in and monitoring my condition. One thing they all agreed on was that I should not have any more chemotherapy, that the risk to my life and health was too great if I continued. I started to recover very slowly. I was so desperate to be well enough to leave. They set me the goal of eating, drinking and taking my medication in tablet form rather than needing a drip. Yay! I got there but I was still very ill when I got home. Beth and Mike were champions making sure I was well fed and looked after. I felt very loved. It was good to be home.

So even though right now I am physically at the lowest point of this breast cancer journey, feeling completely broken in my body... I can appreciate the love and support of my lovely family and friends... I can hold onto the hope of future health and wellness... I can remind myself that I don't have to do anymore chemo! Yay! That is such a relief... I can be thankful for my birthday and making it this far... I can remember and celebrate that I am beloved by so many.

I had the loveliest birthday in the end. I found flowers, treats and surprises on my doorstep. My phone and Facebook overflowed with wonderful birthday messages. I had cake with the family and a delicious dinner made by Beth and Mike. I feel so loved and blessed. Thank you!

This is not my current birthday.

I thought we'd all enjoy a flashback 
to my very, happy 50th birthday!

Biohazard suit image from Resident Evil, Sony Films

50th birthday photo credit: Rachel King

the big five oh

Well, it started with an idea and here it is a year later and I'm still posting on my blog. My aim was to celebrate being in my 50th year with something different and new each week.... and that each week I'd write about it in my blog. That was my intention but it didn't entirely work out like that. The year started optimistically with me anticipating new things, with a sense of hope for my future. My sister, Karen's diagnosis with breast cancer kind of hijacked that. It became a year of knuckling down, gritting our teeth, pulling together and just trying to get through. For a while I didn't want to post at all but I saved them up.... so I did do a post for each week but not always on the week they happened.

Remember the balloons....

My blog has been an amazing journey... maybe not for trying 50 things - different and new..... but it's honed my writing skills. I have had to think about what I want to say and how I want to say it. It's enabled me to develop creatively. My photography has definitely improved! I'm still working on it, seeing what develops (sorry!!!). I've also been able to document some of my crafting journey, sharing what I've learned. I've been overwhelmed by the responses to what I've written, especially when I've really shared my heart. My blog was started just for me, so it means a lot to me that things about it would touch other people. Thanks for your comments and feedback. It's really encouraged me to keep going, keep writing and just keep living my life well.

I started the year with this Beloved tattoo - symbolising my beloved husband John, how I feel about God and how God feels about me. Throughout the year it has been a constant reminder that I am beloved. Every time I've looked at it, it has reminded me of all of that and it has made me feel really good (in the midst of some pretty trying circumstances)!! Now I want to add another facet to the beloved theme - that I feel really beloved by people.

Well I've reached that milestone - the big five oh! I've been thoroughly spoiled this birthday. People have given me very thoughtful, meaningful gifts that I will treasure forever. Beth got all the people coming to my party to contribute to a book - a treasure box - with photos, pictures, poems, anecdotes that communicate their thoughts and feelings about me. This has made me laugh and cry and reflect on the last 50 years. Even though I've had some really tough times, I see a life that's good... that's been lived to the full regardless of the circumstances.... a life full of love, laughter and gorgeous family and friends. And as I look back, I get a real sense of future for me too. The St Paul's staff got me a beautiful acorn necklace for my birthday. I love the fact that an acorn has the potential to grow a mighty oak tree and that even in my 50's I have sense of potential, new beginnings, ideas and opportunities (in me)!! Amazing! There were times when I never thought that was possible. I feel a sense of excitement and anticipation about the future and what it holds.

So here I am embracing and celebrating 50.... surrounded by amazing friends and family.... feeling so grateful, humbled, immensely loved and encouraged. Once again facing my future optimistically, with a real sense of joy and hope for my future....

....watch this space.... I'll still be here!!

My gorgeous birthday photos were taken by Gavin Ho. Check out his beautiful work here.

classy cocktails

Beth recently celebrated her 25th birthday. I still find it hard to believe that my gorgeous, bubbly, baby Bethie is a grown up, beautiful, sophisticated, amazing woman. I am in awe of her - her drive, her creativity and sense of who she is. She inspires me.

25 is such a milestone and can also seem a little overwhelming in the grown up/adult stakes so Beth wanted to celebrate her 25th birthday with style. We had a very classy cocktail party at my place. Being Beth's party - it was well organised, planned, styled and executed!! It was the perfect occasion for Beth and I to bring out our vintage cut glass, crystal and china. The food was simple and elegant. The flowers were lovely, showing off the white vases to best effect. I love how my Crown Lynn swan looks with Beth's arrangement. I haven't been brave enough to use it myself!

The cocktails were amazing. We had jugs of mojitos and a vodka, orange and ginger cocktail...... and a martini bar! Beth wrote the recipe on my queen blackboard so people could mix their own martinis with all the trimmings. And apparently stirring (not shaking) a martini releases the flavours properly. So there James Bond!

 So a birthday celebrated with panache and style. Happy Birthday, baby!

Photos sourced from Stacy McIvor and Beth Peters

2 x 2

Today I went to two birthday parties to celebrate the birthday person turning two. It's a really momentus occasion. In the year that's passed, you've lived half of your life. You've achieved massive milestones (walking, talking, independence....) and grown a whole heap. It really is something worth celebrating!

So in the morning I was at Mission Bay with Ruby's family and friends. The theme - pretty, pink and butterflies....

Happy Birthday Ruby!

Then in the afternoon I drove out - way, way out into the country to celebrate Lewis' birthday with his family and friends in Kaukapakapa. The theme - cowboys, cake and cars!

Happy Birthday Lewis!

Even though both parties were different theme-wise, they were similar in so many ways....

• 
  
  both sets of parents had put in a lot of time and effort to make each party really special.
• 
  
  lots of people gathered to celebrate how far the birthday people have come (in their action packed two years) and everything that makes them special.
• 
  
  everyone wanted the best for them and to show them how much they are loved.
• 
  
  all the presents were thoughtfully chosen to suit their particular personality and interests.
• 
  
  we were all keen to sing "Happy Birthday" and eat cake!

It has been a privilege to be part of these little people's lives over the last year or so and I look forward to celebrating many more birthdays with them. I bet Lewis loves cake just as much when he's 21! It will be interesting to see where Ruby stands on pink when she's 21.......

birthdays......

I turned 49 yesterday. Wow! How did I get to be alive for so long? Still don't feel old but it's such a lot of years. I decided to embrace the celebration of it. So since I am in my 50th year of being alive, I've decided to do 50 things to celebrate. That averages out to one a week. So over the next year I'm going to try different things - food, places, activities..... Small or momentus...... one a week. Not extreme like bungy jumping ot throwing myself out of a plane but different and new.

So I am documenting my journey in this blog - another first! I kicked it off by getting a tattoo last Saturday. "Beloved" on my right arm. A permanent kind of memorial to my beloved husband John (who died 5 years ago on Christmas Eve), the way I feel about God and a constant reminder that I am beloved. Every time I look at it, it reminds me of all of that and it makes me feel really good!

Also had an accidental first last week. Ate beef jerky for the first time.... and LOVED it!! Funny! I've always looked down on it as some cheap, trashy kind of nasty snack food for extreme meat lovers. I was SO wrong! I won it as a prize at our staff meeting - guessing the hangman word first. An unusual prize! I was like "beef jerky, interesting (not)"! But decided to open it up and offer it around. Everyone is "no thanks too early in the morning for me". So I tried the first piece and loved it!! I then hoovered up the whole bag (and it was not a snack bag!). Thinking maybe I'm a bit meat deprived as Holly (my daughter) has gone vegetarian and I haven't been eating much meat!

So three firsts in my first two weeks - blog, tattoo, beef jerky! What a start! What next....