still missing you....

Every now and again I have vivid dreams of my husband John. He's alive and breathing, talking, living and laughing with me. They are very real. I feel his presence.... then I wake up and feel my loss afresh. Often in those dreams he walks away and I try to ring and text him and I can never reach him.... so my subconscious knows he has gone... that I can't reach him. But these dreams leave fresh waves of missing John, his presence in my life and the depth of his love for me.

So I thought I'd write a post telling him how much I still miss him. I know he can't read it, that he doesn't know what I'm saying but just putting it out there reminds me of what a lovely man he was, that he is not forgotten, that his legacy lives on forever in my heart.

So you would think after six and a half years I would have moved on... well I have in so many ways. I've grown in so many ways... I've learned to shoulder loss, to keep moving forward, to find hope again, to find happiness in the smallest of things. Small things like seeing Rangitoto and the harbour as I get to work every day makes me happy!

But all of that doesn't stop me missing you John. I loved the way you loved me... that you thought I was funny and that made me funnier because you liked it! I loved the way you were consistent, constant, reliable and a very steady influence in my life. When I was all over the place you anchored me, you made me feel safe.... that we could face anything the world threw at us, that it was okay because we faced it together. I loved it that I was the only girl for you, the only person you wanted, that I was enough for you. I loved it that we had been together for 25 years but our love was as fresh as if we had just fallen in love. I loved it that even though it was all cut short you felt that you hadn't missed out on anything, that our love and life together had been enough... enough for a lifetime. So you've gone and I miss you so much.

I hold on to all this good stuff but I keep moving forward. Who knows what the future holds for me now. I treasure the memories and the legacy you have left me. I know you would be proud of me, how I've coped, the decisions I've made and the life that I am living.

But still I miss you baby

Love you

See you later xo