lana del rey - video games

Loving this song right now......

Swinging in the backyard

Pull up in your fast car

Whistling my name

Open up a beer

And you take it over here

And play a video game

I'm in his favorite sun dress

Watching me get undressed

Take that body downtown

I say you the bestest

Lean in for a big kiss

Put his favorite perfume on

Go play a video game

It's you, it's you, it's all for you

Everything I do

I tell you all the time

Heaven is a place on earth with you

Tell me all the things you want to do

I heard that you like the bad girls

Honey, is that true?

It's better than I ever even knew

They say that the world was built for two

Only worth living if somebody is loving you

Baby now you do

Singing in the old bars

Swinging with the old stars

Living for the fame

Kissing in the blue dark

Playing pool and wild darts

Video games

He holds me in his big arms

Drunk and I am seeing stars

This is all I think of

Watching all our friends fall

In and out of Old Paul's

This is my idea of fun

Playing video games

It's you, it's you, it's all for you

Everything I do

I tell you all the time

Heaven is a place on earth with you

Tell me all the things you want to do

I heard that you like the bad girls

Honey, is that true?

It's better than I ever even knew

They say that the world was built for two

Only worth living if somebody is loving you

Baby now you do

(Now you do)

It's you, it's you, it's all for you

Everything I do

I tell you all the time

Heaven is a place on earth with you

Tell me all the things you want to do

I heard that you like the bad girls

Honey, is that true?

It's better than I ever even knew

They say that the world was built for two

Only worth living if somebody is loving you

Baby now you do 

what I did in my holidays

Now that I'm back teaching I am enjoying all of the good things that it brings..... gorgeous children, weekends (after working Sundays for the last few years) and regular holidays. Thanks to some very lovely friends, I was able to return to Rotorua for a relaxing break. You can read about my last Rotorua holiday here and here.

Beth and Mikey came down for the weekend and we spent our time exploring, eating, op shopping, luging, laughing, eating, drinking, watching a movie, playing board games, drinking, laughing, eating, reading, biking (Mikey), napping (me), eating..... until it was time for them to leave. I waved goodbye and prepared to settle in for the rest of the week.

It was so nice to spend a sustained period of time when I didn't have to do anything, I could just do anything. I spent my time reading two and a half novels, more op shopping, sleeping, walking and crafting. It's been pretty full on starting a new job so I haven't really been crafting - just blobbing out in front of the tv too exhausted to think creatively, let alone make anything. I've known for a really long time that being creative feeds my spirit but when life gets busy it seems to be the first thing to go. As I cut, pinned, sewed, embroidered, knit and generally created I felt energised... and extremely productive!! Here are the fruits of my labour....

 Knitted red wool bracelet and vintage blanket heart decorations

Ipad cover made from a vintage NZ wool blanket, vintage buttons with an airforce badge on the front.... 

.... and an army badge on the back!

Nine vintage NZ wool blanket cushions

As you can tell, I love grey blankets. I particularly love the grey blanket with the red stripe up the middle. (I've only ever found one!)

Vintage blankets and doilies

And then it was time to pack up and head home. I enjoy a good road trip but the road can get monotonous so I like to take regular breaks. I stopped for afternoon tea at this lovely cafe that seems to be from another era....

Homemade apple cake presented beautifully on a Crown Lynn plate

Collections of vintage bottles

Star-glass room dividers

The cafe's chooks

Love it! As I headed back to Auckland I felt like I had experienced a real slice of NZ country hospitality!!

still missing you....

Every now and again I have vivid dreams of my husband John. He's alive and breathing, talking, living and laughing with me. They are very real. I feel his presence.... then I wake up and feel my loss afresh. Often in those dreams he walks away and I try to ring and text him and I can never reach him.... so my subconscious knows he has gone... that I can't reach him. But these dreams leave fresh waves of missing John, his presence in my life and the depth of his love for me.

So I thought I'd write a post telling him how much I still miss him. I know he can't read it, that he doesn't know what I'm saying but just putting it out there reminds me of what a lovely man he was, that he is not forgotten, that his legacy lives on forever in my heart.

So you would think after six and a half years I would have moved on... well I have in so many ways. I've grown in so many ways... I've learned to shoulder loss, to keep moving forward, to find hope again, to find happiness in the smallest of things. Small things like seeing Rangitoto and the harbour as I get to work every day makes me happy!

But all of that doesn't stop me missing you John. I loved the way you loved me... that you thought I was funny and that made me funnier because you liked it! I loved the way you were consistent, constant, reliable and a very steady influence in my life. When I was all over the place you anchored me, you made me feel safe.... that we could face anything the world threw at us, that it was okay because we faced it together. I loved it that I was the only girl for you, the only person you wanted, that I was enough for you. I loved it that we had been together for 25 years but our love was as fresh as if we had just fallen in love. I loved it that even though it was all cut short you felt that you hadn't missed out on anything, that our love and life together had been enough... enough for a lifetime. So you've gone and I miss you so much.

I hold on to all this good stuff but I keep moving forward. Who knows what the future holds for me now. I treasure the memories and the legacy you have left me. I know you would be proud of me, how I've coped, the decisions I've made and the life that I am living.

But still I miss you baby

Love you

See you later xo

bon iver - holocene

I am in love with Bon Iver. This song is truly beautiful. Enjoy....

bon iver - calgary

This is so, so lovely.....

don't you cherish me to sleep

never keep your eyelids clipped

hold me for the pops and clicks

I was only for the father's crib

hair, old, long along
your neck onto your shoulder blades
always keep that message taped
cross your breasts you won't erase
I was only for your very space


hip, under nothing
propped up by your other one, face 'way from the sun
just have to keep a dialogue
teach our bodies: haunt the cause
I was only trying to spell a loss


joy, it's all founded
pincher with the skin inside
you pinned me with your black sphere eyes
you know that all the rope's untied
I was only for to die beside


so itʼs storming on the lake
little waves our bodies break


there's a fire going out,
but there's really nothing to the south


swollen orange and light let through
your one piece swimmer stuck to you


sold, I'm ever
open ears and open eyes
wake up to your starboard bride
who goes in and then stays inside
oh the demons come, they can subside

changes

Well I've embarked on another big change in my life with a change of job. I actually hate change. It's been imposed on me in monumental ways since John got diagnosed with end stage melanoma cancer. I don't embrace it easily!! So this has not been an easy decision or path to take. If you have been following my blog you'll know that this year has been fraught with sadness. And mixed up in the midst of that was some sadness about my job.

After talking to a few people and trying to unravel the myriad of things I was feeling..... I worked out that some significant things had changed in my job. Things at work seemed to be shaping up in a different direction this year and I had to let go of some things that were dear to my heart. I spent A LOT of time soul searching, seeing whether I could live and work with the changes. In the end I decided that I couldn't. Those things meant so much to me and I thought they were important. I also thought that I needed to make space for someone else to embrace the changes that I couldn't. So I decided that the right thing to do was leave. I put so much agonised thought and prayer into this decision.... I prayed and prayed.... and it felt right.

It's one thing to make a decision that you know is right. It's another thing to live with the consequences. It's been really hard to leave and let go. My work at St Paul's has been a labour of love. I've poured my heart and soul into the children, families, people and work there. It's been more than a job. It's been a part of who I am. I have been committed to it with 100% of who I am. It was so hard to resign, to go through all of the processes that leaving entails and not be overwhelmed with grief. One step at a time..... And as I've been doing this, the whole thing has been made easier by the lovely people who have supported me, talked to me, prayed with me, sent me lovely messages and have articulated how they and their children feel about me and what I've done at St Paul's. My great colleagues and friends have walked me through this time, sharing wonderful thoughts and love with me. It's been incredibly special and awful all at the same time.

When I resigned and started on that path, I didn't know what the future held for me or where I'd end up. It's been a step of faith into the dark. But I've seen the hand of God on everything, organising the timing and the perfect job for me to go on to. So a step into the unknown that felt awful and heart wrenching but right, has led me into a job at a lovely Catholic school where I can meld my teaching philosopies and my spiritual beliefs. It's the perfect job for me, combining all of my teaching experience and my times working at church into a seamless, holistic expression of education, faith and life.

Through all of this I have been extremely grateful to God for his consistent love, guidance and support. I have also been overwhelmed by the many people who have expressed their love and appreciation to me in so many ways. I am always thankful that I have such a beautiful family, who are my biggest cheerleaders, supporters and friends.

So new beginnings AGAIN!!! I'm embracing the change and look forward to seeing what unfolds.... Thanks for coming along for the ride!

Geelong - the trilogy

Well this is my last post on Geelong and my stay in Melbourne. I couldn't go to Melbourne without a taste of the shops so Tam, Jojo, Phia and I headed into the city for a day trip. We stayed around Gertrude and Brunswick Streets visiting some of my favourite shops including Third Drawer Down and Douglas and Hope. Nothing is as satisfying as whiling away some hours in visually stimulating and creative environments. Melbourne shops excell at that, particularly the ones in Brunswick Street.

I love this graffiti I found near Third Drawer Down....

We interspersed shopping with playing in the park with these childsize Matryoshka dolls....

....and the most divine gorgonzola and pear pizza with extremely moreish fries at the Little Creatures Dining Hall. Their beer was pretty good too!

Jojo took this photo. Nice angle, composition....

Mmmmmm hops....

Mmmmmm toys...

Back in Geelong, these images caught my eye on our daily walks round Tam and Damo's neighbourhood....

Paper sculpture window decorations in the local pizza bar....

Geelong street art

How lovely to live on Hope Street!

The local park just a few minutes up the road....

Fun times in the park....

The loveliest ladies in Geelong on their front porch....

Fun and games in the afternoon!

This was our car, truck, boat, island where we had many adventures....

We caught some fish and they were this big!!

My holiday had to come to an end and I was feeling sad at leaving Melbourne when this image at Melbourne Airport caught my eye. It made me feel proud to be a New Zealander and it was a nice thought to take home with me. Thanks Australia. In that spirit of mateship - I'll be back!!

geelong - the sequel

My friends have described Geelong as Hamilton by the sea. I understand the comparison as Hamilton is smaller and slower paced than Auckland and Geelong is smaller and slower paced than Melbourne. The similarities end there! It is still reasonably large. It is the hub of some huge Australian-based brands, such as Cotton On, Emu and Ford. It has so many great places to shop and eat. There are a myriad of antique and vintage markets. It is full of the cutest little villas and gardens, historical buildings and architecture. It's interesting and lively without the pressure of fast city living. It's a great place to live!

Check out the vintage shopping. Oh my goodness! So many treasures! So much I wanted to buy if I lived there.

I loved walking around the streets - taking in all of the gorgeous old houses, gardens and historical buildings. It really is lovely.

Such a nice place to live. Don't you agree?