something funny

Anyone who knows me really well will tell you that I have a cheeky, naughty sense of humour. I can be funny by accident and just embarrassing (to those around me) when I try to be funny. I thought in light of my recent hard, emotional posts that I would share some things that I have found funny on my breast cancer journey.

On the morning of my diagnosis I was very nervous and worried. I put on my Gorman vegetable dress - my "happy" dress. Whenever I wear this dress it transforms how I feel. It's fun, colourful and the print is full of vegetable surprises!

The Gorman Vegetable Dress

These are not my arms.

I put on the dress and I already felt better. If it was going to be bad news I could take it in my happy dress. I started to put on my make up and because I was so nervous I didn't really pay attention to how much I was putting on. Apparently there is such a thing as too much make up for a cancer-related medical appointment! Beth came to pick me up and when I got into her car she said "Muuuum, don't you think you've gone overboard with the make up?" I had evening eyes and evening lips for a medical appointment at 9 am in the morning. So the car journey was spent wiping off the excess eye shadow and replacing the bold lip colour with a nude shade of lip gloss. At least I wasn't worrying about the diagnosis!

The day before my first surgery, I had an awful procedure that involved several very painful injections of radioactive dye into my breast. The radiologist delivering the injections was a cheery man wearing a Cookie Monster tie. That did make me smile a little through the pain. Does a sunny disposition and a Cookie Monster tie make it easier to carry out tortuous procedures?

When having surgery you get to wear one of those attractive surgical gowns that open at the back and a front-buttoning cotton dressing gown over the top. It's generally one size fits all. Being short they cover me to well below my knees. I feel so attractive swathed in voluminous folds of well laundered cotton, stamped with hospital property (to deter you from wearing them home I guess). A pair of white knee-high pressure socks complete the outfit! Perfection!

 Yup this pretty much sums up the hospital gown. 

This is not me but I know how he feels!

Once again I was feeling very nervous with all the prep before surgery. They have these great lazyboy-type chairs for you to "relax" in. So I was trying to still the nerves and relax with my feet up when the nurse called me in for a consultation. I clicked the side handle forward and nervously jumped up to meet with her. Unbeknownst to me, I had caught the folds at the back of my gowns in the footrest. That pulled me up short real quick with a loud involuntary exclamation (luckily not an involuntary swear word!). I made Beth and the rest of the waiting room laugh whilst hopefully relieving the pre-surgery tension for others.

My other surgical gown-related incident was the obligatory back flash to the lady in the bed opposite me as I shakily got up to use the bathroom for the first time after surgery. I'm so thankful that I was wearing underwear so it was better than it might have been!

When John was sick we coined the phrase "Kiss My Butt Boy" which was a lighthearted way of saying you're really, really sick and we will do anything for you, anytime. Well my stint as "Kiss My Butt Girl" only lasted a few days. It was abruptly drawn to a close when I showed Beth I could wave my arm and was told I could get up and make my own breakfast since I was feeling so good. Darn! Too soon! Too soon!

Today was the first day in a very long time that I woke up with that "I feel good" feeling. Yay! It's amazing to remember that I can feel like this. I still find the ups and downs and forwards and backwards of this cancer journey difficult to deal with but smiling at the ironies of life and having a laugh in the midst of it all helps me to keep going. 

Gorman image from www.gormanshop.com.au

Walter White resplendent in his hospital gown, Breaking Bad, AMC

expect the unexpected

I've been on this breast cancer journey for a few months now and I would still rather be going to Paris! I had my surgery two weeks ago and it went really well. I survived the several painful, invasive procedures in preparation for the surgery, then the surgery itself. Apart from my normally low blood pressure finding new depths to fall to, I felt much better than I thought I would. Preliminary tests showed that my lymph nodes were clear of cancer and that the tissue they removed with the tumour was all clear too. As everything had gone well I was allowed to go home the next day. It felt so good to be home, to sleep in my own bed, to sleep deeply without being woken up to see how I was sleeping!

I was so happy. I felt like a big weight had been lifted off me. I had completed the first hurdle and the relief was incredible. I've been resting, sleeping, healing, reading, quietly crafting while watching endless episodes of the Gilmore Girls! I have been cocooned by the love, care and prayers of my gorgeous family and friends. I've been feeling grateful, feeling peaceful, feeling relieved, feeling I can get through this...

Then I had my post surgery appointment with one of the specialists from my medical team. They gave me the definitive lab results of the lymph nodes, the tumour and surrounding tissue that they removed. My lymph nodes were still clear but because my cancer is the spreading kind, they felt that the margin they had taken on one side of the tumour was not enough. I knew that there was a possibility of things showing up that they hadn't picked up in the surgery. Maybe I would need chemotherapy. I had expected a time for radiotherapy to start. I did not expect that I would need more surgery, that news completely floored me. They are looking at the long term, that I have the best chance of the cancer not coming back. I want that chance!

So while I'm grateful for the expertise and diligence of my medical team, I once again find myself feeling the weight of my grief... needing to find the courage to keep engaging in the nature of this cancer journey - walking two steps forward, four steps back... learning to expect the unexpected!

oceans

Well it's been a while. Two years since my last post! That feels very confessional! Sometimes life just becomes busy and some things (like this blog) fall away. But it's always been here waiting...

Lately I've found myself walking some familiar paths that I didn't think I would return to. It's made me stop, take a breath, look around and to be very present in what is happening in my life right now.  About a month ago I went for a routine mammogram. I always find them a bit worrying because my sister Karen's breast cancer was picked up on a routine mammogram... I am also the same age as her when she was diagnosed. So when I got a call back to say that there was an area of concern it was hard not to let that worry escalate. Back for a physical exam, mammograms, an ultrasound and a core needle biopsy. Things were starting to look not so good.

So at exactly the same age as my sister, on exactly the same day four years later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Such a weird coincidence! I have a small Grade 1 ductal carcinoma in my left breast. Apparently if you're going to get breast cancer it's the best one to get! It's been caught early and my prognosis is great. Next week I am having a partial mastectomy and if there are no complications, radiotherapy treatment when that heals.

So those are the facts. The emotional and psychological backwash of this diagnosis is harder to describe. I have walked alongside the most precious people in my life as they have had to come to terms with the ravages of life (and sometimes death) with cancer. It has been a heartbreaking experience over and over again. It takes all you have and then some. I never thought I would have my own cancer journey. This has been a surprise!

Yet here I am, walking this path. As the specialists have said, you are just starting your breast cancer journey. I was thinking if I was planning a journey I would rather choose Paris as my destination! I have found it all a little overwhelming. I bring all of my other experiences of grief and loss to this, so the weight of it is very real. While I am SO grateful and thankful for an early diagnosis and a great prognosis I have some tough things to face in the next little while.

Some people have said "Why you? You've had enough!" and you know I just don't think that. I think why not me - life happens, it's not always what we choose. Sickness, cancer, death, accidents, whatever... they're all out there. I know that I have to face whatever I have to face and want to find the strength and grace to walk through it with courage and dignity. (Well as much dignity as you can have in these situations!) A lot of people are looking at, poking, prodding, cutting and stitching up the most sacred of things - my breasts!! I feel an incredible sense of God's presence. I talked here about my Beloved tattoo representing how I feel about God and how God feels about me. I know I am his beloved. We're walking into this together. 

My family and friends are amazing, showing me time and time again that I am loved and not alone in this. My poor family walking through this again! My beloved girls Beth and Holly, my lovely, lovely son in law Mikey, my sisters Karen and Mere laughing and crying our way through this together. I am beloved. I am blessed.

And in case you're wondering why this post is called "oceans", I've played this so many times. I have found this song to be immensely moving and comforting as I find myself out in deep waters needing God's presence to lead and sustain me. 

tea cosies

Holly gave me this awesome craft book for Christmas. State of Craft, edited by Victoria Woodcock, is full of interviews and bios of really inspirational crafters like Tatty Devine and Urban Cross Stitch. The accompanying craft projects are interesting, quirky and cool. I loved the look of the Over-The-Top Tea Cosies by Teacakes and 78s', with their fun, oversized pompoms on top, so I thought I'd give them a go. I love knitting.... you can interact with people, talk, watch movies and tv without having to focus too much on what you are doing. It's also a portable craft that you can take with you wherever you go. 

The pattern is easy to follow and it doesn't take long to whip one up!
The cosy is knitted in knit-1, purl-1 rib.

Using 5 mm knitting needles, cast on 40 stitches with double-knitting wool. 
K1, p1 to the end of each row (finishing with a purl stitch) until work measures 15 cm.

Decrease to shape the top. 
Row 1: *Knit 2 tog* repeat 'til the end of row (20 sts remain).

Row 2: Knit to end of row.

Row 3: *Knit 2 tog* repeat 'til the end of row (10 sts remain).

Row 4: Knit to end of row.

Row 5: *Knit 2 tog* repeat 'til the end of row (5 sts remain).

Cast off the remaining 5 stitches.

Repeat for other side.

Sew sides up leaving gaps for the handle and spout. I used my tea pot to work out where they go.

Make a GIANT pompom (use 13-15 cm diameter cardboard circles) and sew securely on the top. Gorgeous!!!

So now my new favourite thing to do is to knit tea cosies. They are simple to make and look stunning. Get out the knitting needles and have a go. In the words of Victoria Woodcock "Now go forth and make!" 

blue skies are calling

This is a song for anyone

With a broken heart
This is a song for anyone
Who can't get out of bed

I'll do anything
To be happy
Oh cause blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

This is the last song that I write

While still in love with you
This is the last song that I write
While you're even on my mind

Cause it's time to leave

Those feelings behind

Oh cause blue skies are calling

But I know that it's hard

I don't think that it's the end

But I know we can't keep going

I don't think that it's the end

But I know we can't keep going

But blue skies are calling

Oh yeah blue skies are calling

Oh blue skies are calling

But I know that it's hard

I love this song by Noah and the Whale. It resonates in my spirit. I feel like I've had to say a lot of permanent goodbyes in my life - to my Mum and Dad, John's Mum and Dad and of course my beloved husband - John. I feel like I've had my fair share of dealing with the emotional and physical toll of cancer on the people I love - with my Mum, John's Dad, John's melanoma, my sister's breast cancer (now in remission. Yay!). There's been a lot of sadness, a lot to process and deal with.

This year has been a funny year so far (not the haha kind). I've spent six months with a stress related illness that is taking a long time to come right. I've said "goodbyes" to my precious Holly as she's spread her wings and flown to England. I am so happy for her, with lots of exciting adventures ahead. But now I'm finally living alone and working out what that's like for me. I've had times of feeling really lonely (even though I've got 262 Facebook friends!!) and it feels like a time of transition. To what... I'm not sure!

I'm optimistic for the future... pondering what's ahead... cause blue skies are calling but I know sometimes that it's hard...

mount goodbyes

When my beautiful mother-in-law Merle died last year, it was the end of an era in many ways. With our final goodbye to Merle, came other goodbyes. Her house and beach house were sold as part of her estate. So many memories, family gatherings, good times and holidays reside in both of those houses. To celebrate all of those good times the family gathered for one last holiday at Mount Maunganui. It was so much fun to be with the cousins. It was the usual rowdy gathering round food, drinks, conversation, board games, joking around and laughter.

You know you are nearly at the Mount when you hit Matamata. We stopped for some sustenance from the Kaimai Cheese Cafe. Delicious!

Next stop the Mount, with the first stop there - the beach...

Hugo loved fun times with Beth

Then later that evening we got out this fine looking lady, who was a gift for my 40th birthday. She has spent many happy years here by the beach. It seemed fitting that we would light her up on this final visit. As you can see, she is quite spectacular. Although by the end of the weekend she looked like the gruesome victim of extreme sun exposure!

The beach house is like a time capsule from the 60's and 70's. I love all of the decorative touches. The eclectic gathering of furniture, accessories, fabrics, leftover paraphanalia from all of our houses. It's been the final resting place of many an off-cast piece of furniture, kitchenware, bedding, books and games. Check out these classic "bach" styles. (We were never allowed to call it a bach. It was definitely a bit more upmarket than that - a beach house!)

Archways and shagpile carpet

Decades of glassware styles 

The classic imitation candle sconce

Vintage styles in the sleepout

 Seaside touches

So many complicated, frustrating jigsaw puzzles have been completed on this table. Always the bigger, the more pieces, the better... leading to conversations like "Do you think this blue piece is the sky or the sea?"

All of the paintings at the beach house are oils by Merle. She was the most amazing artist. 

Then it was time to say our goodbyes. It was so special to be able to gather, remember, reminisce... to think about all of those special memories we've shared and the people who helped create them, especially Merle and John. 

 And this is why we love the Mount...

Beautiful!

Goodbye. Thanks for all the memories...

queen's birthday jubilee

Well, after almost a year out of the blogisphere, I'm back! I've been pouring a lot of creative energy into my new job and just haven't had much left over for blogging. I've really missed it, so here I am again...


It's been a long weekend in New Zealand, celebrating the Queen's birthday alongside the jubilee celebrations in England. I do have a soft spot for the Queen and royal-themed souvenirs. Here are some of my royal treasures...

 Catherine David "Queen's Head" blackboard 

(from Holly who now lives in London and attended the jubilee celebrations in person!)

 Vintage coronation tin

(from Beth who found it on Great Barrier Island. Who knew such treasures were hidden there?)

 Crafty Union Jack cushion 

(from my sister Meredith who bought it in England for me) 

It's been so much fun to embrace the Queen's birthday and jubilee this weekend. No royal celebrations are complete without freshly baked scones...

Pimms

Union Jacks

tea

and the most amazing "Queenie" jelly made by Beth. Two litres of boysenberry jelly no less. The mould was a gift from my friend Helen who lives in England (and is also aware of my fondness for Queenly jubilee souvenirs).

Here she is before the unmoulding

 Nervous lifting

 Phew! She is set and looking lovely (if not slightly disturbing when she wobbles)

 Delicious! The destruction has begun...

Kiwi royalists

"Happy birthday and jubilee celebrations, Ma'am!"

(Flags and crowns courtesy of Holly)