anchored

It's been a while since I last posted. I've slowly been recovering my strength and energy and finding out who Stacy really is after this last eventful year. There's a funny thing that happens at the end of your treatment - you expect to be relieved... you expect to be excited about the future... instead the impact of what's happened over the last year hits you hard (like a cement truck)! I've spent the last year just getting on with everything I had to do... diagnosis, surgery, surgery, chemo, chemo, chemo, chicken pox, neutropenic fevers, cancelled chemo, long time feeling awful, radiation, radiation, radiation, radiation, hormone therapy... and now at the end of it all the impact of everything that has happened, that I've been through, has hit. It's a time for reflection, grief, celebration, apprehension and excitement. Now it's all over I'm facing joining the real world. That's a bit scary. I haven't engaged with the real world for such a long time!!

When I first wrote about this journey I've been on I shared this song oceans. Over the past year I've been taken further and deeper than I ever imagined, onto wild and stormy seas where a few times I feared for my life. As I've reflected on this I've been overwhelmed with gratitude. I look back and see ALL the people who played a part in my treatment and recovery. I keep telling everyone that it takes a village to get you through and I wouldn't have made it without your input, support, love and encouragement. You anchored me so I wouldn't blow away in the storm. So I got this tattoo!

A reminder of all I've been through 

and all of you who anchored me through it!

You got me through and I just want to say thank you...

Thank you to all the people who showed their love, encouragement and support by sending me cards and messages, by getting in touch on Facebook, for passing messages for me onto my family and friends when I was too sick to get them in person. Every single word boosted my spirits and reminded me that no matter what I was facing there were so many people wanting the best for me. That helped!!

Thank you to all the people who prayed for me and sent me healing, good vibes and thoughts. I faced some pretty dark times when my fears and the physical trauma just about overwhelmed me. They didn't because of you.

Thank you to all the people who sent me flowers. Flowers make me happy and no matter how bad I was feeling when I saw them I always smiled (even when the chemo nausea was too bad to enjoy their scent!).

Thank you to all the people who made meals and baked treats for me. You showed your love for me through your thoughtful, delicious meals. You nourished my body and my soul.

Thank you to all the people who gave me gifts, sent me surprise parcels and left gifts on my doorstep (often anonymously). They always came just at the right time. Your kindness and thoughtfulness touched me deeply.

Thank you to all the people who visited me. I wasn't the best company but you came anyway. That means a lot!

Thank you to all the people who came and put in the hard yards sanding, plastering and painting so Holly had a lovely room to come home to (and I now have a completed nursery for my grandbaby!). Your practical help has made a huge difference to how my home looks and feels.

Thank you to all the people who drove me to appointments and treatments. Your love and support on those journeys made it so much easier to face what was ahead.

Thank you to all the medical professionals involved in my surgery, treatments and care. Our NZ healthcare system is beyond amazing. I have met the most wonderful, supportive, caring medical professionals. The oncology field takes a special kind of person - you have your wins but many losses. I owe them my life!

Thank you to the staff and volunteers at Dove House, the Cancer Society and The NZ Breast Cancer Foundation. Your ongoing support through and after treatment have helped me to keep going and make some sense of everything that I've experienced.

A very special thank you to my dear friends who were part of my post-chemo care team. You provided great comfort, lots of love and laughs when I needed it the most.

An endless, bottomless thank you to my wonderful family for your care, patience, support, long-suffering and love...
Beth and Mikey - you constantly dropped everything to come and care for me. You gave me comfort whenever I needed it and you made my dark places light.
Holly - you made it from the other side of the world (twice) to care for me with that special "Holly" kind of love that only you can bring.
Karen and Mere - who were there with me through all the highs and lows, constantly sitting by my bedside when, as Mere said, "I was one breath away from intensive care" and putting up with my blunt, confused, feverish outbursts!
My brothers and sisters-in-law, nieces and nephews - for bringing your special brand of encouragement, love and laughs.
I can never repay you all! I am so grateful. Thank you!!

Thank you to God who continues to make me feel beloved and gives me the strength to keep walking together through whatever life brings.

And just a little update on life in the real world. I got this little bundle of joy three months ago. Billie Jean McIvor - a great source of delight and laughter. I've started back at school part-time in a new role training as a Reading Recovery teacher. It's so nice to be back working with my friends and the children at school. And in about a week we welcome my grand-daughter into this world. So all in all, life is good and I'm thankful!

yay for holidays

Early in 2014 (before I was diagnosed with breast cancer) Beth, Mikey, Holly and I planned and booked a December holiday in Melbourne. We wanted to spend Christmas together as it was the tenth anniversary of John's death on Christmas Eve. We love Melbourne and thought it would be a great place to be together to remember, celebrate and toast the best husband, father and man that we've known.

John Russell McIvor

Kind, loving, generous, supportive, honest, 

funny with a wicked sense of humour, 

a great friend and all-round good guy!

So even though I was still not feeling 100% and was wondering if I was exchanging a couch in Auckland for a couch in Melbourne, we stuck to our plan. As a precautionary measure, I did pack a variety of (legal) drugs into my suitcase just in case my health went south! Beth, Mikey and I only had a few hours flying while Holly completed a 30+ hour flying marathon to get there from London! But we all made it! We had the loveliest Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It was profoundly moving to share our special memories and what John still means to us individually and as a family. The past ten years have gone by very quickly and excruciatingly slowly all at the same time. It seems like such a long time ago and just yesterday that John left us. We are always holding him close in our hearts.

Our annual Christmas hat photo!

It's amazing what a holiday can do! It was great to be somewhere interesting and different. It was nice to be out and about - exploring, shopping, eating delicious food, laughing and generally having fun with my favourite people. I managed to do way more than I thought could and came back home with a real boost to my spirits. This has stayed with me and has enabled me to face the next phase of my treatments with a much more positive frame of mind.

Enjoying summer fun times with ice creams!  

I have started hormone-blocking therapy and radiation therapy. The hormone-blocking is in the form of a daily tablet that I'll take for the next five years. Radiation is five days a week for four weeks, with the weekends off. Both therapies have side effects but these are very manageable in comparison to my experience with chemotherapy. And nothing beats the boost of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that it's all coming to an end very soon. Yay!

Christmas Hat photo credit: Thomas Finn Stewart